Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I could make wine with my vomit
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Randomize
