tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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