My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
