walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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