So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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