I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
