I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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