I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
