Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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