I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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