3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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