I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
These 23 Groupies Had The Most Insane Sexual Experiences With Celebs
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
35 Of The Funniest Things People Said While Banging
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read