So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
