I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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