Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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