Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
