I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
