I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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