I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
