Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
