My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
