I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I stole a fireplace last night.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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