I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
