brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
