im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
