She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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