I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
