"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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