well I can't set my house on fire every night
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
