so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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