Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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