Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
