and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
