I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
