drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
We need to get me chipped asap
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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