i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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