No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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