So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
