My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
