I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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