I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
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You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
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Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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