I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
