Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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