I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
