jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
