She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
