Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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