True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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