My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
