ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
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