So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
