Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
