i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
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he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
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Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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