Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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