Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
