life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
