also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize